How to be a dad the uncut chapters
by TalksToSelf
Summary: The dirtier chapters of How To Be A Dad can be found here. You have been warned!
1. Chapter 1

A/n: This is the adult, dirty version of Chapter 3. There may be more chapters like this. Please enjoy.

Blaine's dad was less than happy about the idea, he came home that night looking severely dejected.  
"I know my dad's never really been cool with the whole me being gay thing but… I thought he'd support me." He told Kurt sadly. Kurt hugged him close as Blaine continued. "He gave me a huge lecture on 'you are what you are but it's not fair to inflict that on a baby.'" Blaine mumbled his words, evidently upset.  
"Blaine I'm so sorry." Kurt said sympathetically. "He'll come round… I'm sure."  
"He said Cooper never gave him any of this hassle."  
"Doesn't Cooper have like 5 kids to a bunch of different moms?"  
"Yeah." Blaine sighed and broke the hug. "I really want to do this. But above all I want to do this with you." He promised. Kurt smiled and kissed his boyfriend on the lips.

"I have a question." Blaine said eventually. "Would you like to be the father of our child?" Kurt touched his hand to heart, honoured that Blaine would ask him.  
"I thought that you'd want to…"  
"I do… but I know how much being a dad means to you Kurt…" Blaine raised his hand to cup Kurt's face and spoke directly into his eyes.  
"It means a lot to both of us," Kurt said. "I was thinking… we should do what Rachel's dads did. Mix it all up and that way we'll never know."  
"That's beautifully romantic… and a little gross." Blaine said, stroking his thumb over Kurt's lips.  
"We just have to wait for Rachel to give us a call to say she's ovulating…" Kurt's eyes flitted to the phone, as though expecting it to ring.

-

"I just don't understand!" Rachel complained staring at the negative ovulation test. "I stopped taking the pill, I started on folic acid…"  
"Rachel chill, the doctor said it might take a month or two for you to get back to normal." Finn said rubbing Rachel's shoulders. She glared at him.  
"This is your fault, it was your idea for me to take the contraceptive pill even though it made me gain weight, and now it means Kurt and Blaine can't have their baby this month!" She fumed. Finn sighed. Rachel was very irrational sometimes, and given she'd just gotten home from her job at the community theatre she seemed extra tense.  
"Next month okay." He told her, "Next month you guys can try."  
"Fine but you're the one calling Kurt and Blaine." She huffed stomping off into Liam's room. He was sat up in bed, playing with a toy Unicorn Brittany had given him on the day he was born.

"Mommy needs a cuddle." She said, sitting on the bed, the toddler threw his pudgy arms around his mother's neck.  
"Don't be sad mommy." He said nuzzling into her neck. "Here." He handed her his unicorn toy with little thought to his own loss. She cuddled him and the unicorn close.  
"I love you baby."  
"Not a baby!" Liam complained. Finn laughed from the doorway.  
"Yeah mommy, he's not a baby." Finn scolded her.  
"He's my baby." She chided and kissed him on his forehead.

-

The next month Rachel bounded over to Kurt and Blaine's house with gusto.  
"I'm ovulating!" She chirped.  
"Today?" Kurt asked in shock, letting her and a bedraggled looking Finn into his home.  
"Yeah are you ready, we're gonna make you a baby!"  
"This is the most awkward day of my life." Finn muttered to Blaine. "I've had to listen to her for a whole month babbling on about her 'menstrual cycle' when she's on her period and what her temperature is. It's insane." Blaine nodded in agreement, he could definitely see how that could be awkward, especially with Rachel's unbridled enthusiasm. She pulled out of her handbag a turkey baster, and a small opaque cup with a lid on it.  
"Where's Liam?"  
"We left him on his own." Joked Finn.  
"He's with my dads." Rachel responded seriously. "They wish us all good luck!" She added, shaking the tub in front of Kurt and Blaine. "Go go go, I read that the average ovulation window is only open for a few hours!" She said ushering Kurt and Blaine into the bathroom.

"This is weird." Kurt admitted, staring at the cup between them.  
"Very." Blaine nodded. "Still want to go through with it."  
"Mmhmm… you?" He asked worriedly, afraid that Blaine would change his mind. Blaine instead leaned in and kissed Kurt.  
"Let's make a baby."

Blaine undid his zipper first and Kurt's erection instantly twitched into life. Blaine indicated for Kurt to do the same and he obeyed. Blaine had a wicked look in his dark eyes that Kurt knew all too well.  
"We don't need to be so… clinical about this." Blaine grinned, stepping closer to Kurt, he kissed slowly down his lover's throat eliciting a small sigh of pleasure from him. Blaine's hands began to wander, and found Kurt's semi hard cock in seconds, rubbing it to full mast was no difficult task. Hearing Kurt's soft whimper sent blood pumping into his own member.

"There's no reason we can't have a little… fun." He purred, placing the swollen head of his penis against Kurt's and running his hand along both of their lengths in one swift liquid movement. Kurt mewled and held onto Blaine's shoulders as he keened to the motions. The thought of cumming into a cup was a total turn off to Kurt and Blaine could tell that, the reality of Blaine jacking him back and forth removed all the fear and awkwardness.

Making a baby was a beautiful process, however messy, and Blaine wanted Kurt to look back on this moment with a sense of pride, not of embarrassment. He sped up his hand movements, revelling in the feel of Kurt's dick twitching and throbbing in his hand. He pulled himself away from Kurt, stepping instead behind him and placing his right hand on Kurt's cock he rubbed his left hand over Kurt's ass, fingers teasing against the puckered hole. Blaine knew they couldn't have sex, he didn't trust himself not to finish inside him, instead he prodded Kurt's asshole with one spit slicked finger, helping Kurt to the edge.

Kurt managed to take his mind off the bliss that was Blaine Anderson's hands long enough to grab the cup just before orgasm tore through him. He had to admit, for being so clouded with lust he had fairly good aim. Blaine stepped out from behind Kurt who was hastily rebuttoning his tight pants and began shamelessly beating his own cock, Kurt thought he looked beautiful, cheeks flushed with desire, hair beginning to fall out of it's usual gel slicked perfection and into soft curls that framed his hazy dark eyes.  
"Kurt…" Blaine moaned softly. Kurt smiled, knowing Blaine thought of him as he came, into the small opaque cup. He leaned over breathing heavily.  
"We better get that to Rachel stat." Kurt said, he leaned across and kissed Blaine on the forehead. He let Blaine get dressed before heading back into the living room, lid on the slightly warm cup he handed to Rachel. Finn hid his head in his hands.

"Gross dude, just gross."  
"I think it's beautiful." Rachel said vanishing off upstairs. Kurt and Blaine sat down on the sofa, both of them looking thoroughly sexed. Finn looked anywhere but at his brother.

-

"I did everything by the book." Rachel gushed coming downstairs to where Kurt, Blaine and Finn sat in an awkward silence. "I kept my hips elevated for a half hour after the insemination and I have a chart of my basal body temperature and cervical mucus so…"  
"Enough," Finn mumbled embarrassedly. "We'll uh… get back to you guys in two weeks okay."  
"Two weeks?"  
"That's when I can take a pregnancy test." Rachel said excitedly. Kurt stood up and crossed to Rachel, to look his best friend in the eye. He hugged her.  
"Thank you, so much Rachel." He whispered in her ear.  
"You're welcome." She whispered back. "Good luck."

"I hope to god she is pregnant because that was the most awkward day of my life." Finn mumbled to Kurt and Blaine as he left.

A/n: This is the full length chapter 3, complete with naughty hand job scene. Hope you enjoyed it, perverts. Review!


	2. Merry Christmas uncut

A/n: I know that in an extended edition of the Christmas episode Kurt said he didn't like Christmas but… well he grew out of it or something.

Christmas had always been Kurt's favourite holiday, the joy the cheer…. But he just couldn't get into the spirit of it this year. His proposal at work was dragging and Rachel was 7 months pregnant and he still hadn't felt the unnamed baby kick yet.  
"She always seems to fall asleep when you're around." Rachel said prodding her expanding belly gently. Kurt sighed.  
"Maybe she just doesn't like me." He said dejectedly.  
"Of course she does." Blaine said kissing Kurt on the ear. "Let's keep putting the tree up, maybe she'll wake up to the sound of carols?"  
"If I have to hear one more jaded Christmas song I'm gonna scream." Kurt muttered but stood up and helped Blaine dress their tree. The fireplace was roaring and Rachel sat in front of it with her feet up, Liam played with a plastic bauble.  
"Don't put that in your mouth sweetie." Rachel reminded him. Blaine placed two things underneath the tree, both said KURT on it in his usual curly script. Kurt didn't even bat an eyelash.

His Christmas spirit was well and truly dead. He had a baby due in two months, no job security as his whole career depending on this pitch at work, no relationship security with a boyfriend who still slept on the couch.  
"Cheer up Uncle Kurt!" Liam said, running up to his uncle and holding the bauble aloft. "You can have my shiny, if you smile." Kurt smiled weakly and was handed his own bauble.  
"Thank you Liam, you're a star, we should put you on top of the tree."  
"No!" Liam begged shaking his messy mop of dark hair. Kurt laughed, and it was a beautiful sound, getting rarer by the day.

Sure enough Christmas day rolled around and Blaine woke up at 10am, surprised, Kurt normally pounced on him at 7am on Christmas day. He dragged himself up off the uncomfortable couch and called up the stairs.  
"Kurt, you okay?"  
"Yeah yeah let's just get this over with, so I can go back to bed." Came Kurt's bland response. Blaine sighed and made them both a cup of coffee. He arrived downstairs still in his pyjamas as was traditional.  
"Kurt can I go first this year?" he asked softly. Kurt nodded morosely, staring at the clock as if silently wondering whether it was a valid option to go back to bed and sleep through Christmas.

"It's been one hell of a year." Blaine said picking up his two presents for Kurt. "And I just wanted to make things right."  
"If you think you can make things okay with a new pair of pyjamas and a Judy Garland box set you're severely mistaken." Kurt said, his eyes watering. "Truthfully Blaine I think we're over and I really don't want to lose you from my life but I feel that's the direction we're headed." He sniffed. "I just… I can't do this." He said standing up, Blaine grabbed his wrist.  
"I'm sorry I made you feel that way Kurt," Blaine said apologetically. "But this present is to show you I'm truly… TRULY committed to our baby girl." He said handing over a red envelope with a green ribbon on it. Kurt turned it over a few times in his hands before sitting down and opening it. Inside was a tiny slip of paper with one word written on it in Blaine's trademark curly script.

"Harlow?" He queried.  
"If you'll let me… I'd like to name the baby Harlow…" He said softly. Kurt fell quiet. "Oh no… you don't like it? I'm so sorry I thought you'd love it as much as I do and… Kurt I meant well…" He babbled.  
"It's perfect." Kurt whispered in shock. Blaine relaxed.  
"Seriously?" Kurt flung his arms around Blaine's neck.  
"You do care!" He exclaimed.  
"I've been trying to tell you that all along." Blaine whispered, wrapping his arms around his estranged lover and kissing him on the forehead. "The next gift is to show my commitment to you. Open it." He said excitedly, handing Kurt the box. Kurt was overwhelmed with joy already, feeling his love for Blaine rekindling by the second. He tore the gold wrapping paper off the small box and opened it to reveal a ring.

"Blaine…"  
"I've been a fool Kurt." Blaine said getting down on one knee in front of the couch, in front of the roaring fire. The glow from it illuminated Kurt's surprised face. "I went away and I forgot the one thing I've known since I was 17... I love you Kurt. I love the way your voice goes up an octave when you're mad, I love the way you're in your pyjamas right now but you've still found the time to do your hair, I love the way you get passionate about something and then just go for it. I love you. The money for a trip to England's all gone on getting baby Harlow, our daughter, ready for the world… but if you'll have me in any of the states where it's legal I'd like to marry you… Kurt Hummel will you do me the honour of being my husband? Blaine asked. Kurt raised his hand to his heart, speechless for a moment.  
"Yes." He said when he found his voice. "Yes I'll marry you!" Blaine slid the solid gold band with a single diamond onto Kurt's ring finger and Kurt admired it glinting in the fireplace.

He stared deep into Blaine's eyes.  
"Five minutes ago I thought we were splitting up, you just went and turned everything around," He whispered. Blaine smiled softly.  
"Just like you always do, every day of my life." He leaned up from his kneeling position and kissed Kurt on the lips.  
"I have to go tell Rachel!" He said standing up. Blaine grabbed him by the wrist.  
"Nuh uh. We're sharing the biggest moment of our lives with Rachel, she can wait an hour or so for this." He said firmly. Kurt raised an eyebrow.  
"What did you have in mind?" He asked cheekily.  
"Well… you said you wanted to go back to bed…" Blaine said seductively. Kurt blushed and nodded, taking Blaine's hand and leading him upstairs.

Kurt felt his heart fluttering in his chest as though it was his first time. After months apart physically and mentally they wasted no time, kissing fiercely on the bed, hands skimming over each other's pyjama'd bodies. Kurt wondered how Blaine could stand sleeping in just pyjama pants in this cold, on the couch, but he didn't object, his hands trailing over Blaine's bare chest eagerly. Even though all they'd done was kiss so far Kurt felt himself growing hard beneath Blaine's wandering hands.

Blaine undressed Kurt first with his eyes, then with his hands. When Kurt was naked beneath him he began another assault on his lips, their tongues battled together in a sexy mash up of their very own, Blaine pulled back, sucking softly on the taller man's bottom lip.  
"I love you." He whispered to Kurt who wriggled beneath him as his fingers hard with years of guitar playing swept over his lover's alabaster skin. Kurt could feel Blaine's erection against his hip.  
"I love you too." Kurt responded obediently. "Why am I undressed and you're still clothed?" He asked.  
"Because." Blaine purred. "I have a lot to make up for." His hand slid between their flush bodies and gripped Kurt's erection, pumping slowly and lazily. Kurt bucked his hips wanting more. Blaine smirked and bit gently down Kurt's throat enjoying the whimper it caused.

Blaine lowered his nibbling, settling happily for Kurt's left nipple, licking and rubbing the small pink nub with his tongue, he felt Kurt's hard on twitch in his hand and he gave it an extra firm squeeze. He switched to Kurt's right nipple, lavishing it with the same attention and causing Kurt to arch his back cutely. Blaine took that moment to let go of Kurt's cock, and begin kissing down his stomach. Kurt gasped thinking he knew where this was heading. Sure enough Blaine's mouth trailed hot open mouthed kisses onto Kurt's swollen member, licking roughly as he kissed. Kurt moaned softly, but Blaine didn't stop, he kissed the tip of Kurt's erection, dripping slightly with precum, but continued downwards, along the underside of Kurt's shaft and over his balls. Kurt only realised what he was doing a second before he did it. Blaine gently pried Kurt's legs apart and continued kissing right up to Kurt's asshole.

Kurt moaned deeply as Blaine's tongue brushed against his hole, Blaine alternated between wide flat motions sweeping across and tensing his tongue into a point and probing him. Kurt clenched his fists in the covers as Blaine's tongue begged for entrance, sliding softly inside of him. Blaine wriggled his tongue against Kurt's insides, delighting in Kurt's response, he groaned and bucked his hips closer to Blaine, desperate for the contact not to be broken. Blaine continued shamelessly rimming Kurt's pulsing asshole until Kurt begged, breathlessly  
"Fingers, please?" He panted. Blaine pulled himself back and nodded, he pulled himself up to Kurt's face and placed his fingers gently into his lover's mouth. Kurt sucked softly at Blaine's fingertips, slicking them with saliva. Blaine pulled his fingers from Kurt's lips and replaced them with his lips, his hand sliding down Kurt's body and finding his already slick entrance he slid one finger inside him. Kurt's moan was swallowed up by Blaine's kisses. Blaine was in no hurry and pumped a single finger in and out of Kurt slowly, enjoying Kurt's whimpers and moans when he pressed into him.

He added a second finger only at Kurt's quiet and shy request, scissoring Kurt open, preparing him for what was to come. He curled both fingers inside Kurt's heat, just ghosting against his prostate. Kurt lifted his hips a few inches off of the bed in response. Blaine chose that exact moment to add a third and final finger, stretching him as much as possible, making sure Kurt was completely ready.  
"You're beautiful." Blaine whispered in Kurt's ear. He dragged his fingers out of Kurt who shifted uncomfortably at their loss, before he removed Blaine's pyjama pants, which were much too tight by now anyway. Kurt licked his lips at the sight of Blaine's erection and surprised even himself by practically diving forward to suck on it. Blaine gasped in shock and wound his fingers into Kurt's perfectly coiffed hair, revelling in the brief pleasure of Kurt licking and sucking on his cock.

It didn't last long, Kurt had only done it to act as lube, he pulled back, grinning foolishly before laying down in front of Blaine, legs spread and ready. Blaine shook his head to get over the forthrightness of his fiancé before positioning himself between Kurt's legs. Spit wasn't really enough lube but Kurt didn't seem to mind the extra friction as Blaine pressed his way inside of him. Kurt's asshole clenched tightly in objection at the foreign body but he loved the feeling of stretching to accommodate Blaine's length.

Blaine began bucking his hips, slowly and carefully so that Kurt got used to him, before speeding up, thrusting in and out of him. For months they'd been apart, the first part was physical, where Blaine had been away, the second part had been mental, with Blaine sleeping on the sofa. It felt so good to be back inside Kurt, repeatedly burying himself as deep as he could manage inside the taller man. Blaine felt electricity spark up through his cock to his heart and closed his eyes willing himself into Kurt's position. Imagining what it felt like to be fucked so hard after months of neglect.  
"Aah!" Kurt groaned as Blaine hit his prostate for the first time in what felt like an eternity. "Again." He begged. Blaine bucked his hips upwards, revelling in the way Kurt shuddered around him.

Blaine felt his peak approaching early. He didn't slow down to try prevent it instead he sped up, going as fast as he could, trying to reach Kurt's prostate with every other thrust.  
"Ah!" Kurt moaned quietly. "I'm gonna…" He started. Blaine took hold of Kurt's cock, bouncing with each thrust, and began massaging it in time to his beat. He felt Kurt's asshole clench tightly against him as Kurt came, splashing cum over his abdomen and chest. Blaine followed suit moments later, spilling himself inside of Kurt.

"I thought you promised an hour." Kurt said cheekily as Blaine gingerly pulled out of him and lay beside him.  
"It's been a while," He said apologetically. "And I factored in cuddle time." he added pulling Kurt's naked body closer to his.  
"I'm so glad we're talking again." Kurt mewled rubbing his head against Blaine's chest.  
"I'd say that was a little more than talking. Merry Christmas Kurt." Blaine said kissing Kurt's forehead.  
"Merry Christmas." Both lay together, silently acknowledging that the awkwardness between them was over.

* * *

Rachel screamed. Kurt screamed. Liam copied them. Finn and Blaine put their hands over their ears.  
"When's the wedding?" Finn asked when Kurt and Rachel and Liam had finally quietened down.  
"We haven't really decided yet…" Blaine admitted, they had been too busy celebrating.  
"And and and!" Kurt blurted, his left hand still in Rachel's grasp. "We've named the baby! Well… Blaine named the baby."  
"Tell!" Rachel insisted.  
"Tell!" Liam repeated. Blaine picked him up and spun him round, cuddling his godson close to him as Kurt proudly announced:  
"Harlow."  
"Oh!" Rachel said suddenly. Everyone stared at her wondering what was the matter.  
"What?"  
"She kicked…" Rachel whispered, pulling Kurt's hand toward her stomach. Kurt froze, his eyes widening.  
"Blaine come feel this!" He insisted. Blaine was hesitant but approached Rachel and placed his free hand (the one not supporting Liam on his hip) on her burgeoning baby bump. Sure enough he could feel sharp sudden movements beneath her skin. Blaine had to admit it didn't stir anything in him emotionally, if he was completely honest with himself it just felt weird, but he'd only just got Kurt back and wasn't about to risk losing that due to another bout of fear.

"It's like she responded to her name." Rachel whispered, not wanting to break the magic of the moment. Kurt thought he'd received the best presents ever this year.

A/n: Another split chapter, if you're reading 'How To Be A Dad Uncut' feel free to review, perves :P


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